So, you’ve chosen to let your kid lead their education. You’ve done the reading, you’ve bought in (sort of, as much as you can right now) and you want something different for your family and relationship. You want your kid to be happy.

So you join Passages.

But remember, this doesn’t mean that between 9-3pm, they lead their life, then come home to parents angry about how they used their day and pressing them with school-y work that is deemed more meaningful. Letting go means letting go. Trust means trust. Ask yourself, “Does this interaction create connection or severe connection?” Lead from that place in your heart.

So what does it look like when they join Passages?

Well, what do you think a teen would do when they leave school and are allowed to do whatever they want all day? I can tell you, it’s not worksheets. As much as people hope that once given freedom, kids will buckle down and do the school work…that doesn’t immediately happen. It will, but not yet. For some, anything that sniffs of learning is usually rejected. Anything that might feel like coercion, or adults tricking them into learning, will be rejected. There could be a major distrust of adults’ intentions that surfaces in the beginning.

When they come to Passages and meet the other kids, many have their phones, computers or devices of some kind, and there are no restrictions - why would there be, they’re just another tool.

So your kid sits around and might chat a bit with others. They might join someone in a board game. They’re getting a sense of the other people, the social dynamics, watching for the boundaries and when they might get in trouble for using their time “wrong.” (spoiler: they can’t use their time wrong!)

Phones are used as a bit of a buffer, to begin with. We can look like we’re doing our own thing on our phones while watching the space without the expectation of engaging. If you can imagine a radius around the new person joining and in the early days/months, the radius will be small, expanding as comfort grows. I’ve seen it take up to 4-6 months for someone to expand to moving around the centre more freely. Usually more like 6 weeks.

This is because they’re taking in everything. What others are doing and saying, how they use their time, interests, and social dynamics. Who are the adults in the space, what are the rules, how does the democratic meeting work?

They may come home and say they spent their day “hanging around,” and yet, they’re busy sussing out the social dynamics of a space that is full of freedom.

This may be the first time they’ve had to figure out for themselves how to conduct themselves. They now get to choose who they want to be in the world.

They don’t need to be polite if they don’t want to.

They don’t have to talk to any adults if they don’t want to.

They don’t need to ask to go to the bathroom, to go outside or to eat.

They don’t have to talk to anyone or share their stuff.

And they certainly aren’t expected to be anything other than who they are right now. Some of their choices might have social consequences (like if they choose to not be polite), but that’s all part of their learning. Freedom is in choice.

When they come to a place like Passages, where the adults trust them to know what they need each day, there are no hidden expectations and agendas, and we trust they are growing in many different ways even if it’s not tangible and through worksheets. This can be both daunting and freeing. The kids themselves are in their own push/pull tension.

Exhausting, right?

But eventually, people connect and find common ground. They expand their spot on the couch to join in something across the room. They might see someone drawing on the tablet and ask what they’re doing, they pull up a chair and watch, or they’re offered a turn with the other kid showing them how to use it.

Maybe someone is playing guitar and plays a song your kid knows and likes. They say they like it, and the guitar player asks, “can you play?” Your kid says, “a little,” or “I’ve always wanted to,” the guitar player says, “grab the guitar over there, I’ll show you.” Your kid jumps up and joins in, fingers struggling to get the chords but super happy to be included and trying something they’ve wanted to try.

This is how your child will expand into Passages. They don’t arrive with a bag full of books and studiously sit down, replicating school in a freedom-based space. If they did that, we would understand that that is how they’re adapting and coping. It’s not bad; it’s just not a natural way teens would operate when given freedom. Many youth choose to do school subjects, but it’s much more intentional – they leave the main room and go to a quiet space to get work done and focus, then move back into the main room.

So when your kid joins Passages, expect that they will be tired when they come home. They didn’t do “school work”, and you’ll wonder why they’re so tired after a day of sitting around and talking.

Again, they say they just “hung around,” meaning:

watched the social dynamics
started to learn the expectations in the centre (youth have created Centre agreements)
watched the adults to see how they are. Is this really a freedom-based space, or is it all a covert way of getting them to learn
checking to see if it truly is a “safe space.” Adults always say that but don’t always work to make it safe
learning about the others in the space and what they enjoy
listening to the debates that naturally take place throughout the day
evaluating how they’re feeling and checking in with themselves
trying to blend but not really knowing what’s expected of them
And finally, what the heck do you do with a full day ahead of you and no one telling you what to do? The phone only lasts so long, it gets boring, especially when surrounded by people doing stuff… so they consider how they too can get to the “stuff.”

And so, as the parent, you have to trust. Trust that learning is happening but may not be tangible or seen just yet. You won’t have proof through grades and worksheets. You, too, have to work hard on not evaluating their use of time. You don’t need to now be the teacher, laying down the hammer. You have to work on trusting them.

So how do you relate to them now?

You get to come home and ask your kid what they got up to? And when they say “hung around,” you’ll know what that means. It’s impossible to be in a space like Passages and not learn, so now you talk about what you got up to. What your day was like at work, the drama, tension, or weird stuff that happened at your job. And each day you share your life, they’ll start to share their life. And you’ll both start to see they’re learning and that they’re more than the worksheets and grades you used to talk about all the time. Their life is important, and all the learning is valuable.

So now, the meaning of “Success” may have shifted. Success may be seen as: connection, trust, confidence, and self-expression, and more. Enjoy the ride!

Part 2 - "Success" Is A Funny Word